Chronic pain and suicidal thoughts

Most articles refer to people with “temporary” truama, stresses or what ever the case may be. However have you considered the “invisible fighters” I am talking about people with severe chronic pain the type of people that have tried everything from different specialist (who all just shake their heads and say sorry there is nothing we can do you will need to be on severe pain medication for the rest of your life) to any and all alternative medicine and treatments yet they suffer day in and day out?. Say you have someone who doesn’t suffer from depression in other words they do not have a lack of seratonin or a chemical imbalance. Yet they are depressed because their pain keeps them from living a normal life it keeps them from following their dreams or reaching there potential worst of all it keeps them from caring and loving the people in there life that means everything to them. I have had 5 back operations, 6 abdominal and 5 other operations hand ,head ,knee, theigh … and yet for the last decade I fight every day I lost my job (promising architect) I couldnt do any activities/sport ( got provincial colours) before yet I got married to a extremely supportive husband that knew I would not be able to bare children for 6 different specialists confirmed it. I also have very supportive parents and would probably not have been here to type this if it weren’t for them. Last year I fell pregnant which baffled all the doctors and I carried full term I have a beautiful healthy baby girl. But!!!! My pain wich has always been at a 7-12 out of 10 has increased after birth to unbareable. Plus now I have to take care of my girl and not being able to sometimes just breaks my heart and she deserves better. I was fine with the fact that I won’t be able to have children not because I didn’t want to have but because I would want to give my children all the love and affection they deserve (ironically I against all odds end up having one)…Lets go back to (invisible fighters) Nobody except my parents and my husband knows ,why because I try to keep myself locked away in my house as much as possible and when the time comes where I have no choice but to face other people I literally put on a mask and fake the hell out of it so much so that by the time we leave I have on numerous occasions broke down in tears and even fainted. I have never been the type of person to seek fake pitty or attention I hate it so would rather pretend all is fine even though my eyes are bloodshot and I struggle to even move sometimes from the outside I look normal. So in conclusion I find myself at a point where the pain has destroyed me mentally, physically and emotionally and worst thing about it, it is not temporary like in your article it is chronic never ending and there is nothing, nothing anyone can do about it believe me I have tried. Now read the effects of children growing up with a parent with chronic pain…. so what is worse I have 2 options keep on suffering day in day out to the point where I loose my mind and my family has to deal with all that comes with it the crying, anger, frustration or just end it all? the only reason I haven’t yet is because I am trying to weigh up what is worse for my daughter having to grow up with a mom the way I am now or having to deal with growing up with out knowing me or understanding why I left her. Both will leave her with extreme emotional scars but which one is worse?…. Even though I will have to fight everyday to make sure she NEVER feels responsible, NEVER feels unloved and NEVER have to carry any burden related to me having pain in the end the risk of her being damaged living without me far out weighs the risk of her having me in her life.

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3 thoughts on “Chronic pain and suicidal thoughts

  1. Way worse to leave your daughter without a parent. To her, you’re strong; to her, you’re a fighter. From you she will learn what it means to never give up; from you she will learn that your love for her is stronger than your daily, chronic pain. She will never find a love stronger than your love for her as her mother. In the end these three endure, faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you one thing I know for certain is that I love her with all of my being she is the most precious thing thank you. I just never want her to experience anything less than the best I never want her to suffer emotional scars because of my pain but I will work hard everyday ti prevent it

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  2. I know how you feel I have 2 girls, my youngest just under 2 I can’t even lift and it makes me feel awful but dont give up, our children need us around as long as possible even if we aren’t in the best condition. Stay strong xx

    Liked by 1 person

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