Everyone that meets me or those that think they know me even those who are familiar with every aspect of my life. Always think I am the happy one the positive strong one because of the fact that I always laugh make jokes and look on the bright side despite of what I have been through and what they don’t know go through every day. I put on this persona that nothing bothers me and that I am stronger than my circumstance.
I don’t just do it because if I should really show how I truly feel it would make people uncomfortable or promote fake pity which I truly understand because nobody can really know what something feels like unless they go through it them selves, but I do it for myself I literally put up this sometimes over the top happy healthy positive persona to try and fool myself “fake it until you make it”. I don’t have a choice I have a little girl depending on me to be on point with smiles and love so she feels safe and secure how will she ever feel that when she would constantly see me crying of pain.
The thing is though I also need to have a place where I can flush out, a place where I can cry and speak my truth a place or person where I would be able to just be raw, broken me. Because sometimes I feel like I am drowning in my suppressed feelings those that are so vulnerable, weak pessimistic and depressing.
Unfortunately everyone around us are so consumed with their own problems, they are all fighting their own battles and don’t have the energy or time to care enough for you to feel safe enough to literally brake down and be able to reset.
So I keep on suppressing and ignoring, fighting the tears when I am alone with my little girl and mommy is so tired and in so much pain. I swallow take a deep breath and then give her a smile so she doesn’t realize or know me being cheerful , singing with her and laughing literally takes every ounce of strength I have.
I never want her to feel she needs to pretend in front of me because she doesn’t want to burden me, I never want her to feel sorry for me or feel she needs to worry about taking care of me that is my job I want her to see me as her safe place….
Thus I come here and type while she takes a nap I cry my eyes out and put it here. I can stay anonymous and no one who knows me would have to get the shock that this happy person they usually come to to tell their problems or to get kind words from actually is a broken peroson and the reason I am able to provide the comfort and motivation is exactly because of the fact that inside I am dealing with this secret it gives me the ability to be more compassionate it makes me patient and helps me forcefully listen to them because I so desperately need what they need from me.
Only sad thing is in their eyes I am this strong warrior, always telling me you look so good and so healthy.
Well what nobody knows is I am not I will be going for surgery number 31 this weak , I have had to sign 9 indemnity forms because surgeries have been so difficult and life threatening “literally signing my life away” not knowing if I will wake up while they put me under anesthesia… emotionally it takes a lot out of you.
I have lost my best friend the one person on earth I could actually talk to about this and feel safe enough to be vulnerable to my big brother he passed away 2011 and has left such a void leaving me with no other place except word press.
I was attacked in my own home by 3 men holding a gun against my head , I was in a abusive relationship for three years. He would rape me punch me and this all while I would still have staples in my back after back surgeries tearing the staples out.
Yet, only a hand full of people know that I have survived half of this and I prever it that way I don’t want these thing to change people’s perception of me or let my past define me.
Sometimes just sometimes I wish people would treat me with the same kindness and compassion I treat them. I wish I had someone like me in my life someone who has enough compassion to truly make the time to listen and motivate me.
The only reason I believe I have survived all of this is because I have a strong spiritual connection with Jesus, I don’t like the lable christian because most people I meet that call themselves chrsistians do not embody the spirit of Christ at all.
So I know even when I feel so alone in all of this I know he is crying and feeling all of this with me and that helps me through it, but I wouldnt mind him sending me a tactile person…